Friday, December 19, 2008
Today is my birthday. I am 26 years old and don't know if I feel quite grown yet. I guess because all of my friends and loved ones already had families by my age. I don't feel left behind, I do feel a little incomplete though. It felt good this morning to get text messages and phone calls from the people who love and care about me, wishing me a happy me day. Especially after last night, when I resolved myself to simply coming home from work tonight and studying for the LSAT. No party, no clubbing, no drinking, no cuddling, no movie, no sex, no outing... Just me, myself, and I. I guess I never really was into birthdays. I don't remember having any parties or celebrations or big to-do's.
There was a party once, that I recall. Can't remember how old I was but I remember being excited. My mama was making me a cake shaped like Rainbow Brite and I got a Baby Brite doll as a gift. I remember the house smelling like cake and a bunch of kids coming over to eat my cake and ice cream. I remember playing outside and I remember my cousin taking my siblings and me to see "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" at the dollar show.
Video Clip from "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?"
I remember the theater smelled like vomit & cheese popcorn, and that odor mixed with the lingering taste of yellow cake and vanilla ice cream, spoiled in my belly. I remember trying to convince my cousin to let me go home because I wasn't feeling so well. She tried to make me stay, but, if I remember correctly, I threw up and then she had to bring us home. But I felt better after I vomited and wanted to stay then :(
But we left. And I don't remember having another celebration again. Unless you count going to the club when I made 21, getting tore up from the floor up, tore back from the neck back, and being plain old pissy drunk! Go shawty, it's ya birthday!!!
I guess, maybe I was traumatized by those events. Maybe I'm just a grouch and don't care about my birthday. It's really for others to celebrate the joy that I have brought to them through our relationships with one another. And when their birthdays come around, I celebrate the joy they bring to me.
Today is my Godfather's birthday, a friend of mine's birthday, and my bestfriend's baby daddy's birthday. We all have a lot to be thankful for. Even if we can't buy ourselves something nice this year. I am grateful today, just like everyday, that God gave me another chance to be here and affect change, and get it right (maybe), and live, and breathe, and be...
Happy Birthday Self!
December 19, 2008
Get Me Bodied - Beyoncé feat. Kelly Rowland, Michelle Williams and Solange Knowles
Monday, December 8, 2008
So, now I am back on the scene, with a gangster lean, bringing it back to yesteryear! I'm hitting up open mic nights, and singing, and going to ch-u-ch, and praising the Lawd, and reading poetry, and wearing the Pink Fro', and all that jazz!!!
But even after I decided that I cried my last tear yesterday, I cried more tears. Can you believe it?! Me of all people, crying after I said I was done?! I'm like Keisha Cole, trying to be the one sent from Heaven. But, like I said, I decided to let it go.
And I got back out there and realized that my sisters, neither one of them at least, nor my BFF was there with me. You know, bogarding people, getting free drinks, dancing our hearts out, being all the rage in the club. I had no one by my side. Especially not big sister foxy chocolate, who is my cosmetologist/manager/agent! She was nowhere to be found. I need her. Oh, I need her bad. She has been my rock and inspiration and mega-influence since, since!
But I finally got out there and started to network and talk, and promote myself, without any of my security blankets. We've always thought for so long that we each should be the one that each of us could stand on...
And then we came to the conclusion that maybe we were holding each other back with the umbilical cord attached, like some kind of vine and branches. So we moved away from each other, so that we could breath and give each other a chance to thrive. But I was so afraid, thinking that I could not do it by myself. And we do need each other. And we have each other. But we should not allow ourselves to become Linus' and cannot function without each other.
I've gotten to the point now, that I realize, I can have a security blanket, but sometimes, I need to leave it at home on the bed, and use it only to cry myself to sleep on lonely nights, or to comfort me in sorrow, or to warm my tattered soul. No matter what, I know that my comforting blanket is there to console.
There comes a point in your life when you realize:
Who never did,
Who won't anymore...
And who always will.
So,don't worry about people from your past,
there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.
Give these flowers to everyone you don't want to lose in 2009,
including me, if that's what is in your heart.
Try to collect 12; it's not easy!
Be kinder than necessary
Because everyone you meet is fighting
Some kind of battle.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
I went to college for four years and graduated. I even started an online Master's program that I quit after successfully passing the first class. Now I'm trying to take advantage of the free Loyola University Law degree that I could get. I have been institutionalized!!! Oh no!
Now I act like I can't function without going to somebody's school or something. My dream was to be a songwriter/singer. I write plenty songs. I have a whole book full. I overflow with creativity, but I guess I don't believe in myself. (How many people you know can actually admit that!)
I don't give myself a chance. I guess it has a little something to do with people shooting down my young heart and aspirations, or just not supporting them. I realize that at some point I must grow up and choose my response-ability, and not allow the past to dictate my future.
I honestly did want to go to law school for quite some time. I guess that came about when I "decided" to give up on my dreams and instead help others achieve theirs by becoming an entertainment lawyer of some sort.
You know...contract law, copyrights, intellectual property, etc. It's not a bad thing to do, but, it should not be my main focus. Law school is always going to be there, and so will music, but the industry is not warm & friendly to people of a certain age group. I don't know. I guess I'll try the law thing, even though, formal education was supposed to only be the backup plan.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Look at those eyes. And that smile. She is beautiful.....
I can't say that I agree with how she was conceived in the mental formation, but I love her just the same. I have a new niece. My baby brother is a father now! I can't believe it. And me, 25 years old, and still no family of my own. It'll happen in time I guess. I'm not rushing.
It must be pure joy to hold such a precious creature in your arms and know that this is God's control. No matter how much we plan or plot, He is always the one who has the final WORD. He will always get the glory, and His WORD will never return to Him void.
So we can only prepare ourselves for what is in store, and pray that He guides us in all that we do. I love my family, and my new Maya!!!
Look at my beautiful niece!!!
"Do more than want..."
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Saturday, November 8, 2008
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Friday, November 7, 2008
5 BLACK PRESIDENTS
From the Book
The Five Black Presidents of The United States Of America
Joel A. Rogers and Dr. Auset Bakhufu have both written books documenting that at least five former presidents of the United States had Black people among their ancestors. If one considers the fact that European men far outnumbered European women during the founding of this country, and that the rape and impregnation of an African female slave was not considered a crime, it is even more surprising that these two authors could not document Black ancestors among an ever larger number of former presidents. The president’s names include Thomas Jefferson, Andrew Jackson, Abraham Lincoln, Warren Harding, and Calvin Coolidge.
The best case for Black ancestry is against Warren G. Harding, our 29th president from 1921 until 1923. Harding himself never denied his ancestry. When Republican leaders called on Harding to deny the "Negro" history, he said, "How should I know whether or not one of my ancestors might have jumped the fence." William Chancellor, a White professor of economics and politics at Wooster College in Ohio, wrote a book on the Harding family genealogy and identified Black ancestors among both parents of President Harding. Justice Department agents allegedly bought and destroyed all copies of this book. Chancellor also said that Harding's only academic credentials included education at Iberia College, which was founded in order to educate fugitive slaves.
Andrew Jackson was our 7th president from 1829 to 1837. The Virginia Magazine of History Volume 29 says that Jackson was the son of a White woman from Ireland who had intermarried with a Negro. The magazine also said that his eldest brother had been sold as a slave in Carolina. Joel Rogers says that Andrew Jackson Sr. died long before President Andrew Jackson Jr. was born. He says the president's mother then went to live on the Crawford farm where there were Negro slaves and that one of these men was Andrew Jr's father. Another account of the "brother sold into slavery” story can be found in David Coyle's book entitled "Ordeal of the Presidency" (1960).
Thomas Jefferson was our 3rd president from 1801 to 1809. The chief attack on Jefferson was in a book written by Thomas Hazard in 1867 called "The Johnny Cake Papers." Hazard interviewed Paris Gardiner, who said he was present during the 1796 presidential campaign, when one speaker states that Thomas Jefferson was “a mean-spirited son of a half-breed Indian squaw and a Virginia mulatto father.” In his book entitled "The Slave Children of Thomas Jefferson," Samuel Sloan wrote that Jefferson destroyed all of the papers, portraits, and personal effects of his mother, Jane Randolph Jefferson, when she died on March 31, 1776. He even wrote letters to every person who had ever received a letter from his mother, asking them to return that letter. Sloan says, "There is something strange and even psychopathic about the lengths to which Thomas Jefferson went to destroy all remembrances of his mother, while saving over 18,000 copies of his own letters and other documents for posterity." One must ask, "What is it he was trying to hide?"
Abraham Lincoln was our 16th president from 1861 to 1865. J. A. Rogers quotes Lincoln's mother, Nancy Hanks, as saying that Abraham Lincoln was the illegitimate son of an African man. William Herndon, Lincoln's law partner, said that Lincoln had very dark skin and coarse hair and that his mother was from an Ethiopian tribe. In Herndon's book entitled "The Hidden Lincoln" he says that Thomas Lincoln could not have been Abraham Lincoln's father because he was sterile from childhood mumps and was later castrated. Lincoln's presidential opponents made cartoon drawings depicting him as a Negro and nicknamed him “Abraham Africanus the First."
Calvin Coolidge was our 30th president, and he succeeded Warren Harding. He proudly admitted that his mother was dark because of mixed Indian ancestry. However, Dr. Bakhufu says that by 1800 the New England Indian was hardly any longer pure Indian, because they had mixed so often with Blacks. Calvin Coolidge's mother's maiden name was "Moor." In Europe the name "Moor" was given to all Black people just as the name Negro was used in America.
All of the presidents mentioned were able to pass for White and never acknowledged their Black ancestry. Millions of other children who were descendants of former slaves have also been able to pass for White. American society has had so much interracial mixing that books such as “The Bell Curve”, discussing IQ evaluations based solely on race, are totally unrealistic.
I’m Dr. Leroy Vaughn and that’s my view.
"15 years later, my extensive computer injuries never returned."
Provide Ample, Comfortable, Non-Restrictive Support
Lower the keyboard to keep wrists flat and straight.
U.S. Patent Number 5,188,321
REFERENCES AND ADDITIONAL READING
FIVE BLACK PRESIDENTS
Morrow, E. (1963) Black Man in the White House. New York: Coward-McCann Inc.
Whitney, T. (1975) The Descendants of the Presidents. Charlotte, NC: Delmar Printing Co.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Thursday, November 6, 2008
I had a little cold on November 4, 2008, that's why I didn't go to Bible Study or to an Election Watch Party. It was my brother's birthday and a time for change!!!
So, now that I'm back, let me say this first...
He is the president to all American citizens, the entire American race. Yes we embrace our differences in culture, color, ethnicity, gender, orientations, and the like, but to be an American is to be a part of a "race". No longer should we define race (I never understood it anyway) as a color or ethnicity, but as a national identity. That's just my opinion.
Obama did not come like the Messiah or W. E. B. Du Bois to save the Souls of Black Folk. He came to accomplish his mission, just like you and I should be doing. Let's leave salvation to THE ONE who can and has saved us from what really matters...eternity!
I had gotten so tired of hearing people tell me that because Obama was elected, that I should have a new hope in myself. That now I should realize that I can do whatever I put my mind to. It's almost to say that, "we've been telling you kids this since kindergarten, but now you can really believe it!" The last time I checked, I thought that I could do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I learned that from my mama and I always believed it. That's what gives me hope. I don't mean to take anything away from Mr. President Elect. After all, that's my president, just like the last 43 were.
I am elated that America voted for the best possible candidate, and saw past the issue of color. I really didn't think we could do it. As we all know, racism still exists. Stereotypes are exaggerations of realities and conditions, and people have made their remarks. It was like the OJ Simpson trial all over again. And I'm sure some white supremacist will use this election to prove that "they're taking over." And someone has said that maybe Obama will tell our young black men to pull their pants up, but LOVE is taught at home, just like everything else should be, including the pulling up of pants. Obama cannot teach us to love ourselves and to regard ourselves as Kings and Queens. That's society's job. I do pray that Mr. President Elect will continue to pay it forward, or pass it on, or give back, or however you'd like to describe it, as he has been doing. I believe in hope, I believe in change, but real change takes place in the hearts of men. For change you can believe in, that will never fail, look to LOVE.
I guess it's true about Oprah, everything she puts her hand to prospers. I need her connection!
Congratulations Mr. President. Thank you for adding to our legacy!
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
While I was in undergrad, I heard from a few people (who didn't attend college) that it was a waste of time and that they will be making more money than me because they were already in the work force. Which, I could see why they would feel that way. But, the purpose of education, I think, is not to make money, necessarily; but to become somewhat of an expert and to increase your earning potential.
I have a friend who's mother practiced as an RN for years, but lost her job a few years back and could not find another position of equal caliber, because she had no formal training, even though she had the experience of over 20 years! Companies today want people with degrees.
I kind of felt bad because for years after I graduated because I didn't work a job related to my field, or a job worthy of someone who went to school for four years. Hmm... Let's see. I was a manager at Wendy's, a CSM at Walmart, a stocker at Kirkland's, a server at Pappadeaux's, A front desk clerk at Hyatt...
Anyway, I sat back and watched people who never even attempted to go to college, probably had a hard time getting out of high school, work their way up to more money than me.
So now, come to find out, I have a friend, who makes considerably more money than I do, but she has some college to boast, and I assume, is wondering what the point is now that she has experience and makes a nice living. I would love to see her finish school, if for no other reason than that's what she wants to do. Point blank. I understand her position though. And to cite my other friend's mother's case, there may come a time when she may be denied a position based on her level of documented (diploma) education. Who knows?
It was kind of depressing to know that I put forth 4 years of tedious learning, not to mention "squatting", "bumming", "hustling", and journeying across parishes via public transporation to make a great deal of money less than others...
Then I realized that I could be making that kind of money, if I had chosen the 1st job that I interviewed for. It was related more closely to my field of Business & focused on customer service, as opposed to the job that I accepted, which is in Education (we all know that educators are underpaid!). But I made the decision that best fit my personality and desire to do good & make a solid impact on a young person's life.
So all in all, I guess it was my decision and opportunity, and I chose Love for people over Love for money.
I don't have any regrets. I do want to make more money though!
*NOTE: If you want to go to college, DO IT!!! And keep working & making money too!
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
So, after a week, I guess I should've written about this sooner. Doesn't take anything away from it though.
My girl's b'day was last week and we went out for sushi. It was all good until I ordered the wrong rolls (two of the wrong ones at that!) and had to beg the manager to take one of them off. So that was the only event that could've tipped the scales, but it didn't.
So she wanted to cross some thing off of her list of "things to do in a lifetime" so we went to Bourbon Cowboy (on Bourbon of course!) to ride the mechanical bull. Oooooooohhh!
I must say, it was quite an adventure. Of course birthday girl went up first. It looked boring to me. Nothing like what you see on t.v. Liability I guess. *shrug*
So, my turn is next and I try to keep cool, because after all, it didn't look that hard! And it really wasn't. I had fun.
I did fall off after raising one of my arms to look cool, and attempt to prove that it wasn't that hard. This is why I take the less dominant approach. *Oops, did I say that?*
It may be hard to believe that I could be that way for anyone who knows me. Those who really know me would say I'm like a bagel; hard and crisp on the outside, and warm & delightful inside!
What an unexpected surprise, like me riding a mechanical bull!!!
So..., I got a part time gig every Tuesday working the door at a venue here in the city. It don't pay much, but I want to invest into my boy's dream, so that's how I help out.
I would like to get on the mic, but I'm in work mode when I get there, and then the vibes I get ...*sigh*
Call me an elephant, because they pay me peanuts. The band feels like I'm cutting into their money ($40!!!). I feel they're cutting into mine because if 15 people come in, you can bet 5 of those people "are with the band!" So they got in free. The guy I work for is drunk most of the time (or at least he seems to be) so he's constantly watching me to see how many people I let in, who's getting in free, if I'm stealing.... you know. But I can't blame him too much for that. He's a businessman (as unprofessional as he may be) a businessman nonetheless!
So, at the end of the night; which started on CP Time, you know, about 45 minutes late; when it's time to divide the pie, he's come up with some under handed way to keep more of the money for his entertainment venture, thus pissing off the band, who feels that they aren't making a profit. They're not.
I'm like, "Hell, we're all artists. It's going to be hard. You're going to lose more money before you see an ROI" but they don't understand that.
To top it all off, it's a collaborative effort b/w the band and the entertainment company, but there is NO PAPERWORK!!! How come b/c you're friends, you don't need it in writing? Black people. Haven't they heard of CYA?
I just don't understand why we lack the skills necessary to suceed in business. Maybe it's b/c I went to school for business, but Black people always have a way of giving themselves the short end of the stick. I can't take it.
So I walked away last night, a little perturbed, and thinking to myself that I want to help, but I can only do so much. And I didn't get paid. Last week they paid me short, and this week I didn't get paid at all. The position that my boy is in, he really can't afford to pay anyone. His brother should be taking the money at the door until they CAN afford to pay someone.
Until then, I guess I'll be getting on the mic!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
I KNOW I am. Earlier today I read my girlfriend's (the ol' fashioned sense) blog and she wrote about her financial woes. Then RMS Collections called me to keep my Sprint account out of hard collections, asked me if I wanted to settle?
Hell yes! Any break is better than none. Sh'eed, I been settling all my life it seems. Settling for broke a$$ dudes. Settling for underpaying jobs. Settling for abusive friendships. Settling for empty promises.
Anyway, I really would like to settle this account, although it's not the best deal, it's better than what I actually owe, so that's good. The problem is I'm going to have to rob Peter to pay Paul, and so on and so forth. That's the way it goes in the hood.
The economic class that I fall in ain't hurting too bad. We're used to it now!!! I still want more money though.
And the dream lives on....
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
I asked him "What made me want your love so much? What was so special about you that made me do any & everything to win your heart?" "I would've done anything to have your affection."
He replies, "I didn't deserve it."
: o (gasp!)
Did he know all along that he didn't deserve it? Does that mean that he used me? He knew all along that he couldn't reciprocate and still allowed me to toil for his emotions?
He's just realizing that he could never be who I need (to compliment me), and so he's resigned himself to the realization that he ain't wazzup?
While, throughout the course of the relationship, he accused me of thinking that he ain't good enough, that he ain't shit! Be that as it may, he ultimately is the reason why I felt that way!!!
He actually admits it now. Which is good, b/c that means that he is on the course of self-actualization, but will he contend? He still needs something to hold on to. And I do too but, the past is just that. Keep moving forward. (deep breath)
Oh well. It was a learning experience and I am slowly but surely learning to love me. Which may sound redundant to those who know me, but....
You live, you learn. I had to lose myself so I could love me better!!! Yeah. That's it. So I could love me better.
I vow not to submerge myself in another emotionally abusive relationship again. So I can love me better!!!
Thursday, October 2, 2008
The crazy part is that he understands and respects organized religion, and even feels that the gods of other religions are real to those who believe.
We have a few issues to overcome, and deal with throughout the course of getting to know one another.
He is white. I'm black. (Simple)
He's Atheist. I'm "Christian". (Complex)
I can get over the skin color and the differences in our coming up, I don't think I can get over him not believing in a God. Any God at all.
You find somebody "perfect" and they still ain't perfect. But neither am I!
Friday, September 26, 2008
I've recently found a new companion and I am really fond of him. I see the differences now, that will keep up from going further, but I just hope that I don't start looking for a reason to fuss and shout and leave and hurt again from the absence or misappropriation of love.
So, anyway, I'm glad that my dear friend has decided to start writing again. I really love her, and I hope that maybe soon, we can start a blooging group, and meet once a month to share our blogged hearts over cocktails. You never know.