Comfort Zones & Security Blankets

I have finally resolved and decided to relieve myself of the pain of past disappointments, let-downs, and other strifes. So, I suppose that I am now experiencing what might be called an identity crisis. While speaking with a new found "friend", (cuz I don't yet know him like that), I realized that this is quite a normal predicament to find oneself in, when learning how to love self, and let go and let God.

So, now I am back on the scene, with a gangster lean, bringing it back to yesteryear! I'm hitting up open mic nights, and singing, and going to ch-u-ch, and praising the Lawd, and reading poetry, and wearing the Pink Fro', and all that jazz!!!

But even after I decided that I cried my last tear yesterday, I cried more tears. Can you believe it?! Me of all people, crying after I said I was done?! I'm like Keisha Cole, trying to be the one sent from Heaven. But, like I said, I decided to let it go.

And I got back out there and realized that my sisters, neither one of them at least, nor my BFF was there with me. You know, bogarding people, getting free drinks, dancing our hearts out, being all the rage in the club. I had no one by my side. Especially not big sister foxy chocolate, who is my cosmetologist/manager/agent! She was nowhere to be found. I need her. Oh, I need her bad. She has been my rock and inspiration and mega-influence since, since!

But I finally got out there and started to network and talk, and promote myself, without any of my security blankets. We've always thought for so long that we each should be the one that each of us could stand on...

And then we came to the conclusion that maybe we were holding each other back with the umbilical cord attached, like some kind of vine and branches. So we moved away from each other, so that we could breath and give each other a chance to thrive. But I was so afraid, thinking that I could not do it by myself. And we do need each other. And we have each other. But we should not allow ourselves to become Linus' and cannot function without each other.

I've gotten to the point now, that I realize, I can have a security blanket, but sometimes, I need to leave it at home on the bed, and use it only to cry myself to sleep on lonely nights, or to comfort me in sorrow, or to warm my tattered soul. No matter what, I know that my comforting blanket is there to console.

Back Up Plans & Other Dream Deferments

I just realized that I have invested so much of my life in academia and education because, surely that will ensure my success as a human being (pardon the sarcasm)!!

I went to college for four years and graduated. I even started an online Master's program that I quit after successfully passing the first class. Now I'm trying to take advantage of the free Loyola University Law degree that I could get. I have been institutionalized!!! Oh no!

Now I act like I can't function without going to somebody's school or something. My dream was to be a songwriter/singer. I write plenty songs. I have a whole book full. I overflow with creativity, but I guess I don't believe in myself. (How many people you know can actually admit that!)

I don't give myself a chance. I guess it has a little something to do with people shooting down my young heart and aspirations, or just not supporting them. I realize that at some point I must grow up and choose my response-ability, and not allow the past to dictate my future.

I honestly did want to go to law school for quite some time. I guess that came about when I "decided" to give up on my dreams and instead help others achieve theirs by becoming an entertainment lawyer of some sort.

You know...contract law, copyrights, intellectual property, etc. It's not a bad thing to do, but, it should not be my main focus. Law school is always going to be there, and so will music, but the industry is not warm & friendly to people of a certain age group. I don't know. I guess I'll try the law thing, even though, formal education was supposed to only be the backup plan.