Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Ain't Gotta have Teeth to Smile!
It's been yet another long while, and I shouldn't have left you..... Sorry.
Sometime around Christmas 2008, I was feeling very depressed, though I refused to admit it. When I got home for the holidays, I realized how much I had been depriving myself. I realized how much people really love me, and not say they love me, or want to love me, but really and truly do love me! My family loves me with their actions. Just being in their presence made me smile. I had smiled the realest smile I had smiled in awhile. I realized, yet again, what true love is and where true joy takes root.
I woke up early one morning, before the children, before the noise of the day, before the birds started chirping and I spent the wee hours of remaining twilight with GOD. I had been avoiding Him. He had been tugging on me. I refused to sit still. I didn't want to get scolded. I was afraid. I knew, or thought I knew what He would say. He would compel me to leave some situations behind. And I already knew what I needed to do, I was just pussy-footing around, still trying to get what I wanted out of it. Instead, I got more than I bargained for. GOD was right. He always is. And I had to deal with the consequences of my actions.
I deserved it I guess. That's what hardheaded and stubborness gets you. He compared me to Humpty Dumpty and told me that He sent His Son to pick up my pieces and put me together again. I laid there in the middle of my sister's floor rug, rolling around and frolicing with GOD! He made me laugh. He made me smile. There was that beautiful smile again. My comfort was in knowing that He controls my destiny. My life is in His hands. My security came from knowing that I am the righteousness of Him. There is no need to beat myself up for my mistakes. I made them. I knew they were mistakes before I made them. That's my fault and I accept full responsibility for them. But there is, therefore, now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Behold, I am a new creature. I'm growing these wings!!!
At what has been the lowest point of my life yet, when I thought I had no reason to smile, He got it out of me. He brought me joy and continues to do so. I am at the point now where I let negativity wash off of me like water on a duck's back. I REFUSE to be bound by depression. No matter how much money I don't have, or how little food is in the fridge, or how long the clothes have to go without washing, or how little gas has got to last until next pay period. Ever wonder why homeless people, citizens of underdeveloped countries, people who are sick or dying, or living with some kind of inability, can smile through all of that? Ever see a homeless man look peaceful? It's a choice... I choose to be happy. No matter what. I wish this feeling could last forever! I have a new level of faith now. I choose to smile :^)